Mommy, I didn't want to hurt you

It all started a week and a day ago, May 5th 2010.
And on May 6th, 2010 at 8:06 at night, I met my princess.
Julianna Sophia Shelton was born.

Wednesday, May 5th:

I normally got a lot of Braxton Hicks and contractions throughout the day, but this day, the contractions were just a little stronger and a lot more frequent.  I laid down in the afternoon for a nap and decided to time them.  Every 7 minutes, I would feel one.  Strong and consistent.  Wow! Could this mean that I will be having my baby girl soon?  Is this more of what my Dr. and everyone else has been referring to as practice labor?

My plan was always to just go with the flow. 
To live life, like my wonderful Doula had adviced me to.
So I did.
Woke up and even tried going for a walk.
I didn't get far.  I was in a bit of pain - more than usual.
We got back home and continued our "normal" lives.
I even remember that night asking Jodi if we could get a little "romantic" (thinking it may be what we needed to get the party started).  But forget it! HA!  As soon as he came upstairs and into our room, I said "Ugh! there is no way I can do anything tonight!  I can't even move! So, no whoppie for you!"
 Not that either of us was in the mood lately anyways...

I think I slept for about 40 minutes,  From a little past midnight to almost 1am.
One strong contraction must have woken me up and from there on,  It was ON!!!
At 2 am, I got my laptop out again and started timing them.
They were around 4-5 minutes apart, I guess.
Around 3am, I woke Jodi up.
A bit later, we called our parents and Adrienne, my Doula.
Jodi's parents hoped in their car. They would be arriving in about 5 hrs.
Mom, was buying her airplane ticket and Adrienne said she was going to get ready and head over.

Things seemed to be progressing.
4 minutes apart.
3.
2!  Contractions were 2 minutes apart! The lasted for about a minute to a minute and a half each.
(the 6 mins apart one was when I was talking on the phone again with my mom and forgot to click on it)

Holy Shit!   I am having my BABY!!!!!!!!!!!

I was in so much pain by then.  My belly seemed like it was going to BURST!  It was so hard.  I couldn't move much.  I stood up and walked in between them and tried to get my stuff ready, as I knew we were going to be heading to the hospital pretty soon.

At around 5am, Adrienne was here.
We were all downstairs.  Jodi made her coffee.  She heated a sock filled with rice and some stuff that smells like Roses.  And we went upstairs.

It wasn't easy being me, is all I can say.

I tried focusing my energy on my baby.  We had my relaxing music in the background. Candles. Tub filled with warm/hot water., you name it!

I remember breathing hard and trying to think that every contraction was bringing baby Julianna down.  I tried remembering all those encouraging words that everyone was giving me during these past few weeks...  The videos I had watched.  The wonderful messages from my VBAC support group.   I knew I had to go through this and "embrace" it as much as I could.
I knew this was WHAT I WANTED.

Adrienne's soft words and powerful messages kept me going.  She knew exactly what I needed to hear and how I needed to be touched and massaged.  She knew how to, in the midst of all the nerves, and pain and anxiety, make me feel like I was in a wonderful place.

At around 7am, MY WATER BROKE!!!

I couldn't believe it! I always wondered what that would feel like, since I never experienced labor with Jojo.  It wasn't a big gush, it was small to medium gushes of water here and there.  It was, and I know this may sound weird, but it was kinda cool.  To know that my body and my baby were getting ready.

An hour or 2 passed and things were getting pretty intense. I remember how at some points I would have contractions that would NOT stop.  As soon as one started to get less strong, another one started and I would go thru that intense pain over and over again, without any pauses in between.

When Adrienne stepped out of the room and yelled out "Jodi, we need to go to the hospital now!" (or something like that), I knew she knew that we had no time to waste.  Baby may be coming out sooner than we thought and we needed to get out of there!

We dropped Jojo off at Christian and Lisa's and headed to the hospital around 8 in the morning.

Took us about 20 minutes to get to the hospital, and let me tell you, that ride was insane.  I am hoping no one saw me huffing and puffing in there or they would have had a pretty funny sight.

When we got there, I couldn't even walk.  They sat me on a wheel chair (against my will, since I wanted to try to walk to my room) and took me to where I would labor for the next 11-12 hours.

I had a little bit of a struggle trying to voice out my wishes and birth plan to some nurses. They wanted to hook me up with IV and do the continuous monitoring, and all that hospital stuff they do all the time.  I didn't.  I wanted to do this with the least interventions POSSIBLE!!  So, there I laid, telling them what to do! lol

My Dr. arrived and finally I was checked.  I was 5-6 cm!  Kinda exciting, but NOT REALLY! I wanted more! 

9AM.  10AM.  11AM....

Everything was looking GREAT!  I went from 7cm to 8 to 9 pretty quickly.  At 1 PM, I was 9cm, 100% effaced and pretty ready to welcome my little girl. 
However, she had different plans.

Baby was still high up.  -2 station, is what the Drs and nurses kept saying, as they kept checking me.
Every contraction was stronger and it was getting harder and harder for me to stay calm.
I was breathing hard.  Humming.  Grunting.
I was starting to talk about getting that"damn" epidural (which, according to my birth plan, was the last thing I would ask for when I felt like dying).

At about 5PM, I think I reached my breaking point.  Nothing was happening.  My baby girl was NOT decending into my birth canal.  These painful and unbearable contractions were NOT helping at all. 
After talking to plenty of nurses (some of which were super nice and supportive of me wanting a VBAC), my Dr, amy Doula, the anesthesiologist and Jodi (who was going NUTS seeing me in so much pain), I opted to get the popular drug. ugh!  If I only knew that things would progress and I would be pushing her out, I would have lasted a lot longer and endured a lot more pain - but it really looked like change was not in the future.

According to everyone, the epidural would probably be helpful in my circumstance, since I was so so close.

I got a very low dose.  I could feel and even move my legs - and I liked that.
I was not in PAIN anymore, and I loved that.

ahhhhhhhhhh............  RELIEF!
And I was pretty loopy, since they also gave me some other drug that makes you feel like your drunk before administering the Epi.

I felt like I wanted to tell everyone I loved them in their face.  I was pretty high! lol

During the next few hours, me and my Doula worked on positioning my body differently..  I did both sides, on my hands and knees, sitting up straddling the bed and rocking....

6PM check - nothing.

Dr was starting to talk C-Section at this time and I broke down.  Tears were coming down my cheeks and I was just begging everyone to give me more time.  I wanted to wait as long as I could.  This is what I wanted all my life, to push my baby out myself and be the first one to hold her and kiss her and show her love.
I felt everyone's heart melting as they touched me and caressed me, but there was nothing anyone could do, except my baby Julianna.
I think at this point, everyone was routing for me, and at the same time, feeling so sorry because my chances were getting slimmer and slimmer.

A few minutes later, she suggested me trying to push and see if she would come down.  I had read about "purple pushing" and wasn't really keen on doing it - but at this point, we had no other options.  I would have rather pushed when my body would tell me to w/out any coaching or counting.  But whatever! Let's do it! 
So I PUSHED!!
(and now I look back and sort of love the fact that I even experienced THAT part of the whole process)

My mother in law held one foot, my doula, the other one.  Jodi stood right next to me, rubbing my forehead and I grabbed both my legs, raised my head, closed my eyes and waited for their orders.

1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10 breathe!
I pushed as hard and strong as I could ever imagine pushing.  I felt my face wanting to explode.  I did that three times, quietly and peacefully.


Then we tried it again, 3 more times.
Dr. kept saying how great of a pusher I was.  Ok, good! and?
and nothing! Baby still was high up.

Well, the clock was ticking.
I think I did a few more pushing here and there.


and THEN -  it came to a point when we ACTUALLY SET A TIME were if things remained status quo, we would have to "give up" and explore our other "option" (and GOD knows how I hate that word). It would be at 8 o'clock.


The one GREAT thing was that baby's heart beat was PERFECT.  Her and I were both SAFE during all this.  However, with my water breaking and me getting so many internal checks, everyone was a little worried about all the bacteria and me getting any infections.

I remember when I got checked around 7PM something changing in me.  I am not sure if it was because I was so tired and pretty drugged, but I was laying in bed with a big smile in my face and feeling extremely at peace.  Still kinda holding on to a little hope, but pretty content if it didnt go my way.

Everything happened so quickly after this.  They checked me one more time, just in case.  Nothing had happened. Oh! by this time, my first epidural had worn off and I was feeling the contactions a little bit and a LOT of pressure down there. 
Anesthesiologist (who was the nicest ever) came in, gave me the big drug and soon after, they were taking me to the OR.  I think daddy was just relieved that there was a plan now and in no time, he would be meeting his daughter.

I was just exhausted.  I wasn't sure anymore how I was going to be able to even open my eyes after the surgery to meet Julianna.  I couldn't even say a whole sentence.

There I was.  Laying in a different, harder bed, inside a very very very very cold room.  Looking at the clock, at the ugly lights right on top of me, at all the hospital "toys"... YUCK! Oh well.

And then, they started.

C-Section #2

Baby Julianna's Birth:

As you can see, she was a healthy girl!

She didn't cry immediately after, but when she did, it was soooooo cute!

Very soft and kinda raspy.

To me, very girly.

It was very very hard for me in there.  I had the shakes - BAD! I couldn't stay still. My hands, arms, mouth and even head, were shaking.  My mouth was dry.  I was so extremely exhausted.  I kept trying to say that I didn't know how I was going to hold her and kiss her.  I had no energy to even talk!

I had to stay in there very long.  They had to remove another very large cyst.  I am NOT posting the pics of it, but it looks like a little monster - with HAIR and everything! So bizarre!!!

Anyways, Miss baby girl J was healthy.  She pooped immediately after coming out and a few times while they cleaned her.  And I must say, during this whole week, she has not stopped! lol

(With Jojo, we went 10 days at home without chaning one poopie diaper)

To me, she looked SO MUCH like her big brother! I couldn't believe it!

And of course, that means she also looks like me - since the whole world, including myself, thinks Jojo looks just like his mommy! :-)

(Not sure if you noticed in one of the pics before, but she was also born with a cone head.  I guess from trying to push her out).

My Dr. came in after and had a little pep talk with me.

I guess we all agreed that this was the safest and best thing we could have ever done.

I CAN'T SAY I DIDN'T TRY.

From drinking Raspberry Leaf Tea, To taking (both ways) Evening Primrose Oil pills, to eating Eggplant  Parmessan, to walking every day (even in pain), to beggin Jodi for some whoopie, to bouncing on my yoga ball all day every day.....  And then, to labor for so long and even try to PUSH....  

I gave it MY BEST.

And that is why I feel ok with it.

I am not sad.

I DO NOT regret anything.

I wanted to experience labor - it's beauty.  The pains, the body changes, everything....

I honestly think NOW that my baby's size DID have to do with her not being born vaginally.

I know I read so many stories of big babies being born huge with no complications.

But now, I know God was there with me and he chose this path.

I think that it could have been a different outcome, one that may have not been that happy.

Who knows, baby's health.  Mommy's health. (besides the fact that I would have had to go in again for another surgery to remove that cyst later on)

It all could have been a different story.  Who knows what kind of damage could have been done down there...

(everyone kept saying how she would have destroyed my v jayjay and all those horror stories...)

I know Julianna didn't come down because she didn't want to hurt me... :-)

My recuperation WAS SO MUCH better this time around.  Don't take me wrong.  I did have a lot of pain (and still do here and there).  But I was standing on my own in no time.  I walked much sooner and was even able to shower.  (something I never had a chance to do while recovering from my first surgery).

The hospital STAFF could have not been any nicer.  I LOVED everyone there!

There were 17 babies in the nursery.  (the whole staff was in shock there were so many) and Julianna was the biggest one! ha!

The Lactation Consultants would come very very often to help  me with breastfeeding my baby princess.
And I can't thank them enough, because now, I have a breastfed ONLY baby!!! :-)
(something I didn't have either with Jojo.)
I love it I love it and I love it!

Here are some more pictures of our stay in the hospital:

Mom got these as little souveniers for our visitors and hospital staff.

JONATHAN MEETING HIS SISTER

(he wanted NOTHING to do with her)

(he actually seemed kinda scared of her)

Taking professional pics :-)

Flower Jojo was supposed to give to Julianna.

On Mother's DAY, we got to go home.
Good Bye, East Cooper Hospital.
Thank you everyone for your wishes, flowers, prayers, and support.
Special Thanks to our favorite nurse, Darlene.  Who we plan on inviting for dinner very soon.
Also, thank you Adrienne for being so supportive and being such a great Doula.  It meant the world to me to see you cry next to me during my surgery.  I know how connected we were during this whole process.
Thank you to my family and my husband for being there for me in person and in spirit.
And Thank You God for giving me my perfect, precious, healthy daughter.
I am COMPLETELY IN LOVE WITH HER and can't let her go.
I love just holding her all day!  I cry so often by just staring at her. 
She is ABSOLUTE PERFECTION.

It was all in all, an amazing and beautiful experience that I would not trade for anything in the world.
Who knows what the future holds.... Maybe baby #3?
HA!
I am in lala land now and can't believe how easy this week has been for me.
No sleep at all, pain in the body and a lot of hormones having a party inside me.
BUT I LOVE IT! I love it all!
(and if you ask me now, I would have a bunch of more of these little peanuts!)

BEST MOTHER'S DAY EVER!!!!!

39 Week Appt

Today, I am an 4 cm dilated.  60% effaced and baby is in -2 station.
Pretty awesome, considering 4cm is considered active labor.

I honestly thought last night was the night!
I had horrible contractions and some new pains on my side and other random areas.
I was able to sleep in half an hr intervals or so.  I didn't freak out, since I was not in excrutiating pain.  But I was concerned.
I want my mom to be here so bad for baby Julianna's Birth.   I want to make sure if I do know I am in labor, I contact her immediately so she can get here as soon as possible.  It's crazy because I do not want to call her and tell her to jump in the plane if I am not in real pain in case it's just a false alarm.  But at the same time, what if I don't and then I wait until I am in agony and it's too late?  Just gotta play it by ear....

My 39th week appt went just as expected.  Dr F wasn't too too encouraging (again).  She said, and I quote her, "I do not think you will have your VBAC" and "I hope you prove me wrong". 
How am I supposed to feel with THAT? ugh!
Is she going to REALLY help me prove her wrong, or does she want to be right in this case?

I just don't understand how I keep reading and reading how bigger babies ARE NOT the cause of C-Sections.  How Dr's CANNOT tell a woman if she is able to birth the baby or not (based on baby size, or pelvis being narrow, or mommy being "short" - all of which I have been told) and how you don't know ANYTHING until you are actually trying it.
Why does she think I wont be able to have a successful VBAC?
Why doesn't she trust my body and her skills?
She wants to do an ultrasound next week (40 wks 2 days) to see baby's size! But everyone knows, ultrasounds at this stage are extremely inaccurate. So what is the purpose?

I try to get it out of my head, but it is a little discouraging.  Thank God I have educated myself enough to continue focused.  Thank God I have faith in myself and have a support group I go to on a daily basis to get some encouragement and strenght! I think without it, I would have followed Dr's advice, gotten induced over a week ago and ended up with my C-Section.

I am not sure what is going to happen, of course.  And if I do end up loosing this battle, it is ok - as long as I know I tried my best. 

I guess we all have to be patient and see what happens.  I am dying to know myself!

I lost it!

My mucus plus!!
hehe!
Anything gets me excited now a days! ;-)

PS: yesterday's full moon didn't work for us (silly myths! blah!) and unless I have her in 9 hrs, everyone's predictions were wrong! :-P

Getting a "little" desperate...

BLAH!


I can't even tell you how anxious I am.
I know it is exciting to not know what is going to happen and when Julianna will be ready to come into this world, but the suspense is killing me!
Lots of people have been telling me (and some of these guesses are from a while ago) that she is going to be born on Thursday - which is TOMORROW!
Tonight there is a full moon.
Could they be right?
Hmmm.... I don't know, but it feels like she is going to stay put for at least another week.


I am totally obsessed with having a VBAC right now.  The more I read about it, the more I want it.  The only problem is, I haven't been really dealing with the most supportive Dr in the world - and to my understanding, that makes ALL the difference!


Last Monday (2 days ago), I went to my 38 week appointment.  I was thrilled to hear that my body is still progressing little by little.  I went from 2 cm dilated to 3! YEY! and also from 50% effaced to 70%.  Not sure what the station of the baby is, but she said she is still pretty high.
Anyways, as I was getting checked, I noticed my Dr was doing something in there that did NOT feel normal.  Of course, the chicken that I am, I didn't say anything.
It actually HURT.
After I got dressed, I went to her office to have a little chat with her about, well, u know, my VBAC, and how I still want to continue waiting until I pass my 40 weeks.
She wasn't excited.  I even asked her if she felt ok, bc she was just so cold and distant.
She proceeded to tell me that today she stripped my membranes, so things should get moving faster!
Wait! WHAT? You did what?
I was in shock!  I couldn't believe she would do such thing without even asking me or letting me know what she was doing!
Again, I didn't say a word! ugh!  But Hello! That is HUGE!
Oh - you may not know what stripping membranes is. 
Here:  "Stripping the membranes is when a midwife, doctor or even the pregnant women inserts two fingers into the vagina and makes a sweeping motion inside the cervix to loosen not only the mucus plug but the bag of water from the uterus"  OH, and this is done to promote LABOR - which  I guess, sometimes works and sometimes it doesn't.


Anyways, she basically tried to induce me and I was NOT fine with that!
I stood there like a lost puppy and continued my conversation as to how long she was going to let me go without going in to get "literally induced" (u know, breaking my water, pitocin...)
***  I DO NOT WANT TO GET INDUCED *** But I guess, if I pass a certain point without going into spontaneous labor, I have to.
She started looking at her calendar and told me, May 10th!
What?
That's like only 1 day after my due date!
When I say I want to go past my due date, it means about a week or a week and a half past that day!  Not just a day!
Anyways, we ended our conversation with the usual "we will see what happens at the next appointment:".
And to be honest with you, I just don't feel like arguing with her or being too assertive.
I don't want her to think I am being disrespectful or too bitchy, when she is my Dr.  PLUS she is the one responsible for my baby's life (and mine too, for that matter).
I like her, I think she is super nice - but it just doesn't feel like she is going to try to get me to have a successful VBAC.  It doesn't seem like she is passionate about it like I thought she was.  On the contrary, it looks to me that she wants baby out soon, no matter how.  And that makes me sad!


As I left her office, I was feeling down (again).
I guess I just have to continue waiting to see what happens and breathe a lot and hope that things DO work out for me, one way or another.
"Que sea lo que Dios quiera"
(meaning, I leave it in God's hands)
Ultimately, I want to have and hold my HEALTHY baby girl in my arms, no matter how she comes into this world.


Today, I am 38 weeks 4 days.
I feel a bit better than yesterday.  (Forgot to mention, the membrane stripping thing made my body contract a LOT and get horrible menstrual-like cramps).
I am NOT sure if I am letting her do an internal next Monday.  Everyone tells me not to, but I am kind of obsessed with hearing my progress and see if I dilated anymore. So we will see.


I am glad I didn't go into labor right after she did that, because if I had gone into labor and had my baby via C-Section, I would have always believed that would had been the reason and been very upset.


I hope things happen soon! I hope this is the last post I do before going into labor and having my princess.
I mean, it could be, if i don't get in here again.  But if by next Monday nothing happens, chances are, I will blog again.  :-/


Common Baby Julianna! You know you want to meet me and ur daddy and gorgeous little brother! Or maybe not! Maybe she hears all the chaos always and Jojo's tantrums and is deciding to stay in there a bit longer! :-p

A look back...

I kind of wanted to get a little better with my blog.  Especially during these past weeks, when there is so much going on and my life is about to change again!

The thing is, I am just hanging in here.
Waiting patiently anxiously for Julianna to tell me when she is ready!
I know, I know, I am still not on my 40th week.  I kinda should relax until due date and if something happens before, then GREAT!
But I can't!
Maybe because my Dr. keeps trying to scare me and tell me I have a big baby in there and she thinks she may get stuck.
Maybe cause I had Jonathan at 38 weeks (which would be this Saturday for Julianna)
or Maybe because I am JUST READY! My body is ready, my mind is ready....


2 weeks ago I was soooooooooo excited! I was at 2cm and 50% effaced.  Last monday appointment= nothing! :-(
Everything is Status Quo - booo!!!!


So, sorry, I don't have great news to blog about right now.

My days are somewhat boring.  I am just literally waiting, waiting and waiting...

Jojo is AWESOME of course! He is fun and funny (although today he was particularly cranky - and so was I)
Jodi is just working from home
Punky howling at everything
and well, u know..... the usual....



So I figured I would dedicate my newest post to my belly pictures this time around. (some, of course).

Enjoy looking at how my princess grows in there!
And yes, I DO KNOW there is only 1 in there.
 I make big bellies - for those who know me from before! :-P

(this last one was taken w my cell phone while I waited for the belly cast to dry!)

Maybe I will take some more before my little Julianna makes her grand debut!

(depending on the mood, I can't promise anything)

Will be back if anything happens....

(could be back sooner, but I am not sure who would want to read about my achy back & hips, and my contractions, lack of sleep, 5 runs to go pipi in the middle of the night, ohhh, my gorgeous, NEW stretch marks....  I can go on...)

But hey, don't take me wrong!  I STILL EMBRACE and LOVE being pregnant!

I am just a little naggy lately.  And I am allowed! :-P

Ta ta!

Okay, I am ready! I think!!!

I took a long shower today, blow dried my hair nicely, painted my nails with a very pretty pink nail polish...

I feel like I can't do anything more to prepare.  I mean, how do you prepare more when you don't even know what is going to happen? Or when it's going to happen, I should say.

With Jonathan, I had a scheduled C-Section.  It fell on a Friday and we were all completely ready for him to arrive.  Everything was planned, scheduled and things just had to flow the way we wanted them to. And they kinda of did. I mean, surgery was ok, recuperation, not so good.  But that's another story.

Now, I want it all to be different. 
I am on my 37th week and there is nothing I want more than to have this baby choose her birthday and for me to deliver her in the most natural way possible. 
I know I had a C-Section and plenty of you out there think it may be to risky to even try it.  But I have informed myself very well on this topic and if everything goes well, it could happen very easily.
The risks are really not that high and I wont even go into what I think about Doctors and Hospitals regarding this.
So yes, I want to have a VBAC - Vaginal Birth After C-Section.
I am getting a Doula to help me during labor and delivery and I just know, that was probably the best decision I have made in a while.

I am extremly anxious because I feel like she may come anyday now!
My Braxton Hicks get stronger and stronger.  I feel her so low and some of her kicks are very painful.
Her head is down and my body is getting ready! I know it!

BESIDES THE FACT THAT A WEEK AGO, LAST MONDAY, DR. F TOLD ME I WAS 2 CENTIMETERS DILATED AND 50% EFFACED!!!!
THAT IS HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGE FOR ME!  I HAVE REPEATED THIS TO MYSELF SOOOO MANY TIMES! LOL

This past week I have walked a little, I have been drinking Raspberry Leaf Tea, Taking Evening Primrose Oil Pills (and inserting one here and there), bouncing on the Yoga Ball and even a little extra curricular activity w my baby's daddy.  (which I have to say, was very ackward and funny - but hey! whatever helps!)

My next appointment is TOMORROW and I do not think I have been this anxious in a while!
I can't wait till she checks me and tells me what has happened this week!
Could I be more? Has my body progressed? Are we getting closer and closer????
AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am going crazy!
I want to know!
But I want to hear good news of course!!!

My mom is packing her bags already and that makes me feel so happy bc I know she is getting ready too!
Jodi's mom and dad close on their new home on Wednesday, and after that, they will be here as soon as we call them (Well, 6 hrs after or so, since they have a long drive).
Christian and Lisa are ready for our phone call so they can help with Jojo, if we have to head to the hospital and no one has arrived yet...
My bags are packed.
Her little area in my closet and next to my side of the bed is ready - pack and play, changing station (which is a dresser with the changing pad on top, since we don't have much room for the real changing table in our room), my glider, her swing, diaper genie, etc etc....
Oh Gosh! This anticipation is driving me crazy now!
The thing is, I still have 20 days until my official due date!!!
20 days!!!!!!!!!!!!
It's so close but so far!!!!

I feel SO PREGNANT! and I look SO PREGNANT!
I feel pretty sometimes though, which is great! Because I am very very big right now and can hardly walk around.

I am soooo desperate to meet Julianna!
I guess I will try to update tomorrow after my Dr's Appt!

I know I have been neglecting this blog! I will try to get on here a little more often, even if it's just a small entry!

I feel like I am rambing and just going all over the place with this one, so I will finish it now! lol

Wish me luck tomorrow! ahhh!!!!!!!!!!!!